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  • Writer's picture Sarah Hines - Founder of Grief Advocacy

Desire is an Inside Job


Desire is an inside job because your desires are allowed to constantly change. What I desire depends greatly on my mood, what is happening around me, my partner's mood, and even what stage of life I am in.


For many, keeping tabs on what you crave is considered a job. And well, It is a worthy task to try to shift that lens. It also takes acknowledgment that it definitely takes time, intentionality, and space to tune your ear to what may be swirling in your deep darks.


So here are some of the ways you can take on this exploration and in time perhaps not see it as a job but begin to see it as nourishment, care, and love.


Firstly, we need to acknowledge and accept desires as a part of who we are, no matter what those desires are, they are part of who we are. We also have to give ourselves permission to change what we desire depending on where we are in our lives. This acknowledgment and permission will be required for this journey to be rich and meaningful for you.


What steps can we explore in pursuit of desire in a responsible and ethical way?


Identify your Desires


Easier said than done I think! But spending time reflecting on what you truly desire in life should be a lifelong journey. This requires you to get in touch with your own feelings and emotions on a regular basis. Journaling, meditating, or talking with a trusted friend or coach can help you identify your desires. I, of course, love wondering out loud about this - so you can always reach out.


It is really about connecting to what fills us, what excites us, what leaves goosebumps on our skin or even what brings a little devil to the surface. This cannot be done with a pen and paper, it needs to be done with action in trust-filled environments.


Own your Desires


Once you have identified possible desires, accept them as an experience that could further develop who you are. Don't be ashamed or guilty about what you want. Exploring independently is often the best way to get a true gauge of what is possible. So I highly recommend reading relevant books, taking courses, developing an introductory relationship with something that peaks your interest, etc.


This may require you to step outside of your comfort zone and take risks so break your desires down into smaller, achievable experiences and take steps towards honouring yourself each day.


Be Ethical


Pursuing your desires in a responsible and ethical way means taking into account the impact your actions may have on others. Make sure you're not hurting or taking advantage of anyone else in the pursuit of your desires. So very often this requires conversations. Please have them. Finding the words can be hard - so here are some ways of starting that conversation.


"WOW, I had a dream last night that was kind of saucy....."

"Listen to this passage from the book I'm reading..."

"I have a little idea I want to share with you.."


Learning Experiences


Pursuing your desires may not always go according to plan - that's why I talk so very often about having a Plan B and going in with the right mindset that includes: Curiosity, Exploration, and Consent. When setbacks occur, take stock and learn from them.


What about this experience was amazing?

What piqued my interest that is new?

What am I most proud of learning?



Remember, taking ownership of your own desires requires self-awareness, courage, and a willingness to take action. It's okay to ask for help along the way and to adjust your course if needed. Taking responsibility for your own desires can be a powerful way to live a more fulfilling and authentic life and much less about a job you have to do.



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